(because I’d hate to seem biased.)
Dear Sisters in Christ,
First, what you have to understand is that husband and wife are equal. EQUAL EQUAL EQUAL. You ask me: are the husband and wife equal? Yes they are, is the answer. If the husband’s worth, say, five dollars… what’s the wife worth? Five dollars. Five very equal dollars. Pay no heed to the fact that those dollars are held in her husband’s name in her husband’s bank account! The point is, five is the same number as five. If the husband is an armoire, is the wife a bedside table? She is not. She is also an armoire. She is, in fact, Mrs. Armoire! And if the husband is a head, then the wi… [coughing fit] LOOK A BIRD! Anyhow, the husband and wife are so EQUAL that if they were any MORE EQUAL they’d be forcibly shaken out of packets of blue paper and sprinkled onto breakfast cereal in 1989. God is awesome!
Now, here’s the thing: even though husband and wife are EQUAL EQUAL EQUAL EQUAL, the husband-wife RELATIONSHIP models a RELATIONSHIP between two parties we must insist are wildly unequal: God and creation. So wives are still equal; it’s just that they’re inferior IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
Look, think of it as a play you’re in, ladies. A play that you can never take a break from; that we didn’t ask you if you wanted to be in; that builds men up at women’s expense; and that is basically coterminous with that thing you call ‘your life.’ It’s like if you found yourself in ‘Cats.’ You wouldn’t really BE a cat, ha ha ha!! You’re just modeling a certain kind of JELLICLE CAT RELATIONSHIP. All the time, forever. And it has to be forever because, mercy, think of what might happen if the actors let on that this was all a performance!
In Christian Love,
Us.
PS – Equal.
I am so going to comment on this when I have something to say that isn’t completely composed of profanity.
Okay, that’s better. May I add a few things?
Husbands and wives are equal, except they’re different. And equal. Like a quarter, compared to two dimes and a nickel! And so, even though husbands and wives are equal, they have different ROLES. Like quarters. Quarters can be used for gumball machines and payphones and getting half a newspaper. And husbands can be for working, and having careers, and running things. See? Equal! But the quarters are more SUITABLE for some things.
Of course, this isn’t unequal. We would never say that. Because, really, all this running things, and this ecclesiastical authority, and this career thing–well, it’s a drag! After all, the (completely equal) wife gets to have babies (oooh, babies) and stay home. I mean, practically a vacation, amirite? And all that authority? Well, you know how authority is. Complete pain in the keister. It’s practically a sacrifice. In fact, it is a sacrifice! It’s service! Church service! To the wives, who are really almost equal except they get baby-full vacations all the time and never have to do service!
So, wives, don’t be hornswoggled by all this ‘feminist’ nonsense. Women and men are exactly the same in the church, except that women get to hang out and play with babies (oooh babies!) while men are stuck with all that HARD BORING stuff that your sweet little lady brains I mean, your completely EQUAL but strangely still unsuitable brains are probably not up to, anyway.
In the interest of not plagiarizing, I should probably mention that that last bit was a paraphrase of a televised sermon I heard about fifteen years ago.
Somehow, it stuck with me.
STARLING, WHAT THE HEY HO HEY!? Argh, I didn’t get a single notification that you’d commented. Seriously, I thought that this one had been a complete dud and gotten no comments… but I didn’t mind so much because it was such satisfying snark.
Okay, I am UNFORGIVABLY late, but… Yes! Yes! yes yes yes! Oohhhhh, the “more suitable” BS. And it’s a really deft sleight-of-hand, the way they go from “Husbands are more suitable for XYZ and wives for PDQ,” to “If you take umbrage at this you must hate PDQ! WHY DO YOU HATE PDQ?” No, actually, we’re saying that both XYZ and PDQ are important; so important that they should be undertaken by whoever it happens to make best sense to undertake them… and this might *gasp* have nothing to do with gender or biological sex, and *gasp* might change depending on the situation, and *gasp* it turns out nobody is really an objective observer on All Gender for All Humanity, and *gasp* individuals’ lives are extremely complicated and idiosyncratic and maybe we should focus on removing obstacles to flourishing more than Making Sure Men Act Like Men And Women Act Like Women.
*gasp*
Ergh, I just…. errrrrrgh. See, now I need to go have lie-down too.